Ancient Domains Of Mystery, forum overview / General / Jokes
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C<U> Unregistered user |
Nearly everyone at my school does #4. What do you call watching horror movies while eating doughnuts? Crispers, crispers. (based on a real life event...) |
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 @ Registered user Q('_'Q)(>'_')> Last page view: 6881 days, 1 hour and 40 minutes ago. |
?! er, i really dint get that one, C. Or maybe im stupid :P <xxxxo~~~~oxxxx> SWORDCHUK |
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C<U> Unregistered user |
Something my mom said when a Crispy Creme truck followed us around Los Vegas... Jeepers Creepers the movie. |
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Iridia Moderator on this forum YASD Last page view: 3966 days, 14 hours, 56 minutes and 17 seconds ago. |
August, 1998, Montevideo, Uruguay Paolo Esperanza, bass-trombonist with the Simphonica Mayor de Uruguay, in a misplaced moment of inspiration decided to make his own contribution to the cannon shots fired as part of the orchestra's performance of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture at an outdoor children's concert. In complete seriousness he placed a large, ignited firecracker, which was equivalent in strength to a quarter stick of dynamite, into his aluminum straight mute and then stuck the mute into the bell of his quite new Yamaha in-line double-valve bass trombone. Later, from his hospital bed he explained to a reporter through bandages on his mouth, "I thought that the bell of my trombone would shield me from the explosion and, instead, would focus the energy of the blast outward and away from me, propelling the mute high above the orchestra, like a rocket." However, Paolo was not up on his propulsion physics nor qualified to use high-powered artillery and in his haste to get the horn up before the firecracker went off, he failed to raise the bell of the horn high enough so as to give the mute enough arc to clear the orchestra. What actually happened should serve as a lesson to us all during those delirious moments of divine inspiration. First, because he failed to sufficiently elevate the bell of his horn, the blast propelled the mute between rows of players in the woodwind and viola sections of the orchestra, missing the players and straight into the stomach of the conductor, driving him off the podium and directly into the front row of the audience. Fortunately, the audience were sitting in folding chairs and thus they were protected from serious injury, for the chairs collapsed under them passing the energy of the impact of the flying conductor backwards into row of people sitting behind them, who in turn were driven back into the people in the row behind and so on, like a row of dominos. The sound of collapsing wooden chairs and grunts of people falling on their behinds increased logarithmically, adding to the overall sound of brass cannons and brass playing as constitutes the closing measures of the Overture. Meanwhile, all of this unplanned choreography not withstanding, back on stage Paolo's Waterloo was still unfolding. According to Paolo, "Just as I heard the sound of the blast, time seemed to stand still. Everything moved in slow motion. Just before I felt searing pain in my mouth, I could swear I heard a voice with a Austrian accent say, "Fur every akshon zer iz un eekvul un opposeet reakshon!" Well, this should come as no surprise, for Paolo had set himself up for a textbook demonstration of this fundamental law of physics. Having failed to plug the lead pipe of his trombone, he allowed the energy of the blast to send a superheated jet of gas backwards through the mouth pipe of the trombone, which exited the mouthpiece, burning his lips and face. The pyrotechnic ballet wasn't over yet. The force of the blast was so great it split the bell of his shiny Yamaha right down the middle, turning it inside out while at the same time propelling Paolo backwards off the riser. And for the grand finale, as Paolo fell backwards he lost his grip on the slide of the trombone allowing the pressure of the hot gases coursing through the horn to propel the trombone's slide like a double golden spear into the head of the 3rd clarinetist, knocking him unconscious and fracturing his skull. I would think the moral of this story is, Beware the next time you hear someone in the trombone section yell out, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Die Gedanken sind Frei |
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Kryllion Registered user Last page view: 7253 days, 23 hours, 59 minutes and 20 seconds ago. |
Two guys walk into a bar... ...which is pretty funny, 'cuz you'd think the second guy would have seen it. ~Kryllion~ Master of the Screeching Humanling |
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Alex Registered user Master Necromancer Last page view: 6719 days, 51 minutes and 36 seconds ago. |
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other "Do you know how to drive this thing?" What do you wish for? wands of cat repellent_ |
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Kryllion Registered user Last page view: 7253 days, 23 hours, 59 minutes and 20 seconds ago. |
What did one one fallen tree say to the other fallen tree? I don't know... "it stumped me, too" ~Kryllion~ Master of the Screeching Humanling |
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Iridia Moderator on this forum YASD Last page view: 3966 days, 14 hours, 56 minutes and 17 seconds ago. |
A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet God and asks God if he can ask him a few questions. "Sure," God says, "Go right ahead". "OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so beautiful?" "So you would love them", God replies. The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?" God says, "So they would love you!" Die Gedanken sind Frei |
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Andor Drakon Registered user uummm... ElDeR cHaOs GoD? Last page view: 7511 days, 11 hours, 11 minutes and 51 seconds ago. |
What about this? A person from NASA is being interviewed: Interviewer: You say you recieved funding from the President? NASA Person: That is correct. I: How did you convince him to give you money for the mars mission? NP: Well, I think you'll find that George Bush really has a very cultured and scientific mind and so wishes nothing more than to further our scientific knowledge. I: You told him Mars had oil, didn't you? ChAoS iS cOmInG! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! |
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Iridia Moderator on this forum YASD Last page view: 3966 days, 14 hours, 56 minutes and 17 seconds ago. |
I just had this e-mailed to me by a "concerned friend"... wonder why? *g* You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When . . . Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. You ski uphill. You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. You speed walk in your sleep. You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack." You answer the door before people knock. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You sleep with your eyes open. You have to watch videos in fast-forward. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. You lick your coffeepot clean. You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House." You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there. You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. You chew on other people's fingernails. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee." Your so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas. You can type sixty words per minute with your feet. You can jump-start your car without cables. Cocaine is a downer. All your kids are named "Joe." You don't need a hammer to pound in nails. Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low." You don't sweat, you percolate. You buy milk by the barrel. You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in. You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. People get dizzy just watching you. When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup." You've worn the finish off your coffee table. The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house. Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp. You're so wired, you pick up AM radio. People can test their batteries in your ears. Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans. Instant coffee takes too long. You channel surf faster without a remote. When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop." You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee. You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer. You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar." You get drunk just so you can sober up. You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson. Your Thermos is on wheels. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. You can outlast the Energizer bunny. You short out motion detectors. You have a conniption over spilled milk. You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. You think being called a "drip" is a compliment. You don't tan, you roast. You don't get mad, you get steamed. Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before and coffee after. Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood. You can't even remember your second cup. You help your dog chase its tail. You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London. You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate. You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation." Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup. Die Gedanken sind Frei [Edited 1 time, last edit on 7/11/2004 at 09:03 (GMT -5) by Iridia] |
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 Armada Registered user Last page view: 1436 days, 18 hours, 19 minutes and 16 seconds ago. |
"You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison." This one, i just dont get |
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Achilles Registered user Mymirdon King Last page view: 7218 days, 17 hours, 12 minutes and 3 seconds ago. |
Great one, Iridia!! My doctor told me I drink too much alchohol. I did a urine sample and there was an olive in it! (R.D.) My ex girlfriend was so ugly that when we went to the top of the Empire State Building, airplanes attacked her! (R.D.) I'm so ugly, I went to a proctologyst, and he stuck his finger in my mouth! (R.D.) When I was young, my parents moved around a lot, but I kept finding them! (R.D.) I was kidnapped as a kid and the kidnappers sent my dad a note demanding money along with my finger. My dad said he wanted more proof. (R.D.) I'm ugly. This girl called me up and said, "come over, nobody is home." So I went over...nobody was home. (R.D.) I'm ugly. I was kissing this girl and she started crying. I asked her if she would regret this later. She said no, she was regretting this now! (R.D.) I was an ugly child, my mother never breast-fed me...she said she just wanted to be friends! (R.D.) "Not Zeus himself nor any other Power Shall save this madman who defies the Gods!"---Phoebus Apollo [Edited 1 time, last edit on 2/21/2004 at 16:36 (GMT -5) by Achilles] |
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Iridia Moderator on this forum YASD Last page view: 3966 days, 14 hours, 56 minutes and 18 seconds ago. |
Armada, Turkey is a major coffee producer. :P Die Gedanken sind Frei |
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Morio Registered user Holy Champion of ADoM Last page view: 4109 days, 4 hours, 28 minutes and 8 seconds ago. |
Yes that really was a great on Iridia. "I don't know what World War 3 will be fought with, but I know World War 4 with be fought with sticks and stones." - Albert Einstein |
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Iridia Moderator on this forum YASD Last page view: 3966 days, 14 hours, 56 minutes and 18 seconds ago. |
Naming my cats "Cream" and "Sugar"... you know, I'm so sad I might actually do that... Die Gedanken sind Frei |
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Maelstrom Registered user The Knight of the Black Rose Last page view: 3328 days, 1 hour, 41 minutes and 20 seconds ago. |
"You're so wired, you pick up AM radio." You know, there was a guy who could do this. But he was a war veteran with a granade part in his head, he could hear AM radio when he stood near powerlines :D "You get drunk just so you can sober up." Hey, I do that and I don't even drink cofee :P I know that's damn wierd, but I like sobering up in the right company better then drinking. A pessimist sees a dark tunnel. An optimist sees a light at the end of that tunnel. A realist sees a train. And the train driver sees three idiots on the tracks. [Edited 1 time, last edit on 2/22/2004 at 15:11 (GMT -5) by Maelstrom] |
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Morio Registered user Holy Champion of ADoM Last page view: 4109 days, 4 hours, 28 minutes and 8 seconds ago. |
A person is on an airplane and he has heard that it's his old friend Jack who is the pilot of the plane. He walks into the cockpit and yells "Hi Jack" "I don't know what World War 3 will be fought with, but I know World War 4 with be fought with sticks and stones." - Albert Einstein |
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Iridia Moderator on this forum YASD Last page view: 3966 days, 14 hours, 56 minutes and 18 seconds ago. |
Hmm... looks like these folks have too much time on their hands... http://www.webwombat.com.au/entertainment/humour/images/24protest.jpg Die Gedanken sind Frei |
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Morio Registered user Holy Champion of ADoM Last page view: 4109 days, 4 hours, 28 minutes and 8 seconds ago. |
I agree with Iridia "I don't know what World War 3 will be fought with, but I know World War 4 with be fought with sticks and stones." - Albert Einstein [Edited 1 time, last edit on 2/24/2004 at 11:07 (GMT -5) by Morio] |
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Morio Registered user Holy Champion of ADoM Last page view: 4109 days, 4 hours, 28 minutes and 8 seconds ago. |
Have you ever thought about those doors that have a sign on them that says: "Must be kept locked at all times!" Couldn't they just have built a wall there instead? "I don't know what World War 3 will be fought with, but I know World War 4 with be fought with sticks and stones." - Albert Einstein |
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@ Registered user Q('_'Q)(>'_')> Last page view: 6881 days, 1 hour, 40 minutes and 1 second ago. |
Some may know few of these but oh well. U know when u have played too much adom when... ...At shop u drop things and yell"how much u pay for these?" ...Polices capture you for running at night whit a backpag full of weapons and food ... You see few bees and run away becouse u think a whole army of those is coming ... You try to get away from dogs and jackals ... You kill bandits and drag the bodies to police and ask, "How much money will you pay for these ones?" <xxxxo~~~~oxxxx> SWORDCHUK |
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C Registered user Last page view: 6504 days, 6 hours, 16 minutes and 43 seconds ago. |
The adom one is so true... On the coffee, I can't live without caffine (Decaffinated drinks ARE evil!) I just have to have a LARGE Starbucks coffee.... If I can't get that I just drink about a litter of soda... (much more caffine, or is it the flavor I'm craving?) Coffee beans...YuM! |
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Iridia Moderator on this forum YASD Last page view: 3966 days, 14 hours, 56 minutes and 18 seconds ago. |
I have a Microsoft waiter Patron: Waiter! Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem? Patron: There's a fly in my soup! Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time. Patron: No, it's still there. Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead. Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there. Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using? Patron: A SOUP bowl! Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up? Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?! Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup? Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day! Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day? Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day? Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour. Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now? Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato. Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now. [Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check] Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check. Patron: This is potato soup. Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet. Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything. [The waiter leaves.] Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup! The check: Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00 Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50 Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00 Die Gedanken sind Frei |
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@ Registered user Q('_'Q)(>'_')> Last page view: 6881 days, 1 hour, 40 minutes and 1 second ago. |
LOL. Thats so true too. Heres some new "U know that you play too much adom when..." ... When you try to get out of your house u run to push the button "<" on your keyboard ... You dont understand why you dont get stronger/exp for killing people ...You give fools some beer in hopes that they give you a potion of get attriputes ...You eat spiders in hopes of getting resistant to poison I dont like coffee. But i like Cacao! <xxxxo~~~~oxxxx> SWORDCHUK
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@ Registered user Q('_'Q)(>'_')> Last page view: 6881 days, 1 hour, 40 minutes and 1 second ago. |
This is similiar to iridias joke: Bill Gates as a car repairer. Person:Hello, i have a broken car. Bill: Ok, how is it broken? Person:The engine wont start! Bill:What did it say when it broked? Person:Er? Sayed? Bill:Did it say "Unlegal Command at engine" or "Gebneral protection fault at engine" if so, you must call to the maker of the car Person:Cars Dont speak! i dont know the phone number of the car maker!! Bill:Then tear it to parts and build it again then try again. [After 3 Days] Person:That dint work! Bill:Oh, too bad. You can upgrade it to new version. Your version is 98, u can upgrade to xp, that problem will be cured but it comes whit load of new errors! have fun, oh heres the check! Person:... The Check: Support.....500$ Upgrade To New Version....100$ Please note that the support is 0.50$ Per word, only open at monday-friday. <xxxxo~~~~oxxxx> SWORDCHUK |
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Larrack Unregistered user |
This is old, but who cares. If microsoft made toasters: You would have to buy the model which toasts seventeen slices at once, at full cost, because almost every bread maker in the world has specifically designed their bread to not work in non-microsoft toasters. That expensive model would crash whenever you used more than two slices at a time. Your toaster would slowly grow in size, for no rational or explicable reason. And every so often, your toaster would somehow destroy every other appliance in your kitchen. |
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Larrack Unregistered user |
"Hello, I'm Ben, calling on behalf of Revolution Enterprises Inc. I was wandering if you'd heard of a new.." "Why hello, Ben." </Hannibal Lecter voice> |
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Larrack Unregistered user |
A Scot, a Cuban, an American, and an Iraqi are sitting around a dinner table after a pleasant meal. All are feeling warm and full, but as the Scottish takes from his waistcoat a bottle of fine whiskey, taking one sip and then throwing the rest out the window, the others gasp and splutter in indignation. The Scot wipes his mouth with his sleeve, and says "Why take more than one sip? I didn't need it anymore. That thing was worth nothing in my country." Taking up the challenge, the Cuban smirks. He produces a fine cigar from his pocket, cuts and takes one puff of it, then throws it out the window. It is the Scots turn to splutter indignantly. "Why the hell did you do that??" The Cuban turns with an oily smile, and says "I didn't need it anymore. That thing was worth nothing in my country." Before he can finish speaking, the American is thrown out the window by the Iraqi. |
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Larrack Unregistered user |
"Hello, I'm Ben, calling on.." "Hello again, Ben." |
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Wojtas Registered user Last page view: 7452 days, 14 hours, 37 minutes and 45 seconds ago. |
So really old one... german, pole, and american are in train... and they have bet who of them is better thief... first tunnel, everything is dark, american turn, then german voice: "F**K where is my watch??... second tunnel, everything is dark, german turn, then american voice D**MN where is my wallet?!?!.. third tunnel, everything is dark,pole turn, then conductor voice "Sorry but we cant go further, someone has stole train-engine" |
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